If you didn’t already know, one of the things that pisses me off is seeing people make out in public. My friend recently related to me her experience at a water park. She was standing in line for a ride and the two people in front of her were making out pretty hard core. Tongues going wild, excess groping, and absolutely no regard for my friend and the two ten year old girls standing she was with standing barely a few feet away.
That’s just an uncomfortable situation to be in. It’s awkward. What do you say? She pointed out that if they had the audacity to be so lewd in public, it was unlikely that a simple, “Hey do you mind?” would make them stop. The following are a few suggestions for what to do in this situation.
CAUTION: THE FOLLOWING TECHNIQUES COULD GET YOU THROWN OUT OF WHATEVER ESTABLISHMENT YOU ARE IN. (Also, I am fully aware that I ended that sentence in a preposition. I’m a bad writer.)
1. The STD Approach
The STD approach goes something like this:
You are standing directly behind a couple who look like they might need a hotel room very soon.
At the first full glimpse you get of the man’s face, gasp and pretend that you know him.
You (in an excited tone): Hey! Oh my gosh how are you?! I don’t quite remember your name, but don’t you remember me? I’m Joyce! We met at the hospital last month! I was your nurse!
Man (probably very confused): I think you’re mistaken. I don’t know you.
You: No, nope! Not mistaken. I’d remember those eyes anywhere! How’s the little problem you had?
Man: I really have no idea who you are.
You: Oh sure you do. I treated you for your herpes, remember? How are your break outs? Is that cream helping?
Man: Ok, you really have the wrong person. I don’t have… that.
You: No, the tests were pretty conclusive. (This part has to be loud) Herpes! You’ve definitely got the herp! Seriously though, put that cream on your break outs when they happen and all those oozy little pus filled sores and boils that are all over your (whisper the words “man parts”) will go away sooner.
If you pull this technique off well, the woman will probably be slowly inching away from him and blending into the crowd like a ninja to avoid being seen with a guy who has been accused of having herpes. It will probably kill the mood, too. So even if they stay in line, mission accomplished. If nothing else it will make you feel better that everyone around him most likely thinks that he’s got herpes. That alone will probably encourage them to leave.
2. The “Other Woman” Approach
The other woman approach works best if you’re a girl, but it is doable if you’re guy. You have to be willing to slap someone, or at minimum, scream a lot. This is the best approach for dramatic people.
Start this approach with a shrill “OH MY GOD!” and put on your angry face.
You: OH MY GOD! (Make the guy face you) I can’t believe you!
Guy: Um, who are you?
You: Oh don’t you EVEN act like you don’t know who I am! I can’t believe you’re cheating on me!
Guy: I don’t even know you!
You: And who is this!? Is this your wife? I thought you were leaving her! (This will work even if it’s not his wife. The doubt has now been implanted into this poor girl’s brain.) You are such a pig!
While the guy is still stammering about how he has no idea who you are, slap him and run away sobbing loudly. If you want to avoid assault charges, I suggest you leave immediately. If you don’t want to slap him, sob loudly and scream about how you feel so used and all men are jerks. Then run away dramatically.
3. The Inappropriate Convo Team Up Approach
This really only works if you have a friend with you. Stand close enough to the make out couple so that they can hear you.
You: Hey so I forgot to ask, do you still have that rash?
Your friend: Yeah, it’s really getting worse. You know, like, spreading.
You: Man. Is it still burning?
Your friend: Yeah. And sometimes it dries up and cracks and pus and blood come out of it. It’s so bad.
You: Well your doctor told you that it’s not contagious right?
Your friend: Yeah. Well, he says it’s the result of a viral infection. So it can be passed if I like, sneeze on someone or something. I’m trying to be super careful, but (friend pauses as if they have to sneeze, then sneezes all over the couple making out.)
I’m thinking that any gross mood-killing topic will do.
4. The Insanity Approach
This one is pretty basic. Get really close to the couple making out and start laughing hysterically right in their ears. Laugh loudly and as obnoxiously as you can. When they look at you as if you’ve lost your mind, stop laughing, look at them with crazy wide eyes and say, “Why so serious?” and then continue laughing with even more gusto while pointing at them and occasionally tousling your own hair.
I hope you’ve enjoyed this post. Got any other good ideas for getting the public make out sessions to stop?